Old Flame

11am wakeup. I open my eyes to unusual darkness, a freezing breeze coming from an open window somewhere, a quick realisation that I'm not in my own bed. I take a few seconds to adjust and identify the situation, knowing who's lying next to me, naked, sleeping and breathing heavily. This isn't what was meant to happen.

I didn't even get that drunk last night, so I can't use that as an excuse. Aaron came on to me and I let him, never pushed him away, just hesitantly asked whether 'this is a good idea'. I lost my chance with Neil, Aaron's housemate Damien pulled him, Aaron's fit-but-short-yet-still-quite-fit friend had left early and the thought of getting on a nightbus by myself wasn't too much of an appealing thought a few hours ago. In the cab home, both Aaron and Neil passed out from too much drink, Damien had looked at me strangely, smiled, something in his eyes, I didn't realise what it was. Back at theirs, just me and Damien in the kitchen, both of us getting a glass of water, Damien hugged me, kissed me on the cheek, didn't quite want to let go. Similar moment earlier, sat on Aaron's bed, Aaron in the bathroom, Neil in Damien's bedroom, I was just in my boxers, it was as if Damien had something to say. 'Are you alright?' I asked. Hesitant 'yes' in response. No, that's not what you want to say. Say it. But he never did. I'm not sure he ever will now.

Fast forward a few hours, Aaron seems to have taken the hint. We shower together but it's just that, a shower, we go out for brunch. Talk about our respective ex boyfriends. I'm thinking it's alright, we're just friends now, this stuff happens, but wondering whether I'll ever have to fight him off again and resort to the clichéd 'I just wanna be friends' talk. Hopefully not. The old flames I thought were burning when I saw Aaron earlier this month seems to have died now. At least for me. I've dumped him once already and I don't want to have to do it again. I feel bad, I want to tell him how great he is, but he knows. It seems like I'm the one who needs to hear just that. 'You're beautiful', he told me last night. Over and over again. I just smiled and shrugged it off, didn't know what to say. Damien said the same thing. Maybe they thought I needed to hear it.

5pm. I'm back in Aaron's bathroom, staring at myself in the mirror, blank empty eyes, a numb feeling washes over me. I return to the livingroom, Damien and Neil sat watching TV. I make my excuses and leave. As I close the front door I find myself wondering when I'll see them all again, knowing I will, soon, then wonder why I'm even wondering about this, I quickly put my iPod on instead, drowning my thoughts out. If it's meant to be it will be.