We're on the tube surrounded by people, but all I see is Daniel. I can't take my eyes off him. Both stood up, my hand on one of the poles going across the ceiling, his hand of top of mine, caressing it, the dark brown eyes deeply fixated on me, a slight smile on his face. I start to get hard thinking about him naked in my bed just an hour earlier, his warm body wrapped around mine, his tongue in my mouth, and I have to look away briefly. He looks away too and I wonder if he's thinking about the same thing. He looks back at me, leans in and kisses me, quick but soft and gently and passionately. I'm sure there are people staring but I don't care. All I can concentrate on is him.
He's been a long-time interest, Daniel. I only met him properly two days before, fascinated and intrigued by this incredibly cute guy, but hesitant whether he was as intrigued and attracted as I was. Turns out he was. After hours of chatting I finally find the right moment to lean in and kiss him. We end up spending as much time together as we can for the rest of the weekend, any excuse or change of plans just to see each other. Just to be able to snog each others faces off. To sit and chat, touching each other, kissing some more, unable to get enough. Come last night and he comes back to mine and it's incredible. He's incredible. I don't want it to end.
Fast forward to Sunday afternoon and he has to catch his bus back home. We get off the tube and walk to the stop, and on a quiet street we both turn to each other and pull each other close. We kissing intensely and deeply and hard, I got my arms wrapped around him and I get goosebumps all over. It's like time freezes and everything else loses its importance, nothing matters apart from this moment. We say our goodbyes a few minutes later and the moment's still with me. I don't know how many times we've kissed and snogged and touched and caressed each other over the past two days - endlessly - but it's that particular kiss that sticks with me. That very moment. It was perfect. Being naked together was perfect too, but somehow nothing seems like it can beat that very moment. At least not til next time. I don't know when next time is, I don't know what any of this means, I just know I want more. A lot more.
Sunday 6 February 2011
Sunday 30 January 2011
Old Flame
11am wakeup. I open my eyes to unusual darkness, a freezing breeze coming from an open window somewhere, a quick realisation that I'm not in my own bed. I take a few seconds to adjust and identify the situation, knowing who's lying next to me, naked, sleeping and breathing heavily. This isn't what was meant to happen.
I didn't even get that drunk last night, so I can't use that as an excuse. Aaron came on to me and I let him, never pushed him away, just hesitantly asked whether 'this is a good idea'. I lost my chance with Neil, Aaron's housemate Damien pulled him, Aaron's fit-but-short-yet-still-quite-fit friend had left early and the thought of getting on a nightbus by myself wasn't too much of an appealing thought a few hours ago. In the cab home, both Aaron and Neil passed out from too much drink, Damien had looked at me strangely, smiled, something in his eyes, I didn't realise what it was. Back at theirs, just me and Damien in the kitchen, both of us getting a glass of water, Damien hugged me, kissed me on the cheek, didn't quite want to let go. Similar moment earlier, sat on Aaron's bed, Aaron in the bathroom, Neil in Damien's bedroom, I was just in my boxers, it was as if Damien had something to say. 'Are you alright?' I asked. Hesitant 'yes' in response. No, that's not what you want to say. Say it. But he never did. I'm not sure he ever will now.
Fast forward a few hours, Aaron seems to have taken the hint. We shower together but it's just that, a shower, we go out for brunch. Talk about our respective ex boyfriends. I'm thinking it's alright, we're just friends now, this stuff happens, but wondering whether I'll ever have to fight him off again and resort to the clichéd 'I just wanna be friends' talk. Hopefully not. The old flames I thought were burning when I saw Aaron earlier this month seems to have died now. At least for me. I've dumped him once already and I don't want to have to do it again. I feel bad, I want to tell him how great he is, but he knows. It seems like I'm the one who needs to hear just that. 'You're beautiful', he told me last night. Over and over again. I just smiled and shrugged it off, didn't know what to say. Damien said the same thing. Maybe they thought I needed to hear it.
5pm. I'm back in Aaron's bathroom, staring at myself in the mirror, blank empty eyes, a numb feeling washes over me. I return to the livingroom, Damien and Neil sat watching TV. I make my excuses and leave. As I close the front door I find myself wondering when I'll see them all again, knowing I will, soon, then wonder why I'm even wondering about this, I quickly put my iPod on instead, drowning my thoughts out. If it's meant to be it will be.
I didn't even get that drunk last night, so I can't use that as an excuse. Aaron came on to me and I let him, never pushed him away, just hesitantly asked whether 'this is a good idea'. I lost my chance with Neil, Aaron's housemate Damien pulled him, Aaron's fit-but-short-yet-still-quite-fit friend had left early and the thought of getting on a nightbus by myself wasn't too much of an appealing thought a few hours ago. In the cab home, both Aaron and Neil passed out from too much drink, Damien had looked at me strangely, smiled, something in his eyes, I didn't realise what it was. Back at theirs, just me and Damien in the kitchen, both of us getting a glass of water, Damien hugged me, kissed me on the cheek, didn't quite want to let go. Similar moment earlier, sat on Aaron's bed, Aaron in the bathroom, Neil in Damien's bedroom, I was just in my boxers, it was as if Damien had something to say. 'Are you alright?' I asked. Hesitant 'yes' in response. No, that's not what you want to say. Say it. But he never did. I'm not sure he ever will now.
Fast forward a few hours, Aaron seems to have taken the hint. We shower together but it's just that, a shower, we go out for brunch. Talk about our respective ex boyfriends. I'm thinking it's alright, we're just friends now, this stuff happens, but wondering whether I'll ever have to fight him off again and resort to the clichéd 'I just wanna be friends' talk. Hopefully not. The old flames I thought were burning when I saw Aaron earlier this month seems to have died now. At least for me. I've dumped him once already and I don't want to have to do it again. I feel bad, I want to tell him how great he is, but he knows. It seems like I'm the one who needs to hear just that. 'You're beautiful', he told me last night. Over and over again. I just smiled and shrugged it off, didn't know what to say. Damien said the same thing. Maybe they thought I needed to hear it.
5pm. I'm back in Aaron's bathroom, staring at myself in the mirror, blank empty eyes, a numb feeling washes over me. I return to the livingroom, Damien and Neil sat watching TV. I make my excuses and leave. As I close the front door I find myself wondering when I'll see them all again, knowing I will, soon, then wonder why I'm even wondering about this, I quickly put my iPod on instead, drowning my thoughts out. If it's meant to be it will be.
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